Meta-Documentation

1. I’m addicted to lists.

2. That’s the main reason I wrote this as a list although half the fun is wasted before beginning because I’ll presumably care about it too much to destroy it and of course the only thing more satisfying than a list is the destruction of said list.

3. Apparently that is also the case for snowmen.

4. Insert some sexual comment here.

5. I think I put the sexual comment in too soon.

6. What does it mean to be permanent and is it really such a good thing?

7. There is at least one other person in the world that is as preoccupied by lists as I am and that is whoever came up with the “listography” books that all the hipster bookstores sell. The books boast the catch phrase, “Your Life in Lists” and I obviously spent the $14.99 to fill in prescribed list-making blanks.

8. Did you know that a lot of girls keep a list of guys they’ve slept with on their phones? No, I’m not kidding.

9. I’d really like to make a list of all the books I’ve read. That’s on my long term to-do list.

10. You know what’s great is cleaning out your inbox. You should really try it.

11. My favorite list is probably my favorites list. It’s rarely altered, which makes it seem special.

12. So maybe permanence isn’t what we’re after and it’s something like longevity instead. Longevity is going on the list.

13. I bet some list-makers skip the number 13 like hotel elevators do. 13 isn’t my favorite number, but it’s nice that its constituents add up to four.

14. When destroying a snowman, what’s the best tactic? I imagine kicking out the stomach first and watching the buttons fly. Seeing the head topple in slow motion, carrot nose drilling into the sticky snow. Then I stand on the base like a pedestal, raising my arms in triumph as if to say, “I am your creator, and I am your destroyer” in a godlike tone, feeling the buzz of power overtake me and momentarily understanding the motivation of the Inner Party in 1984.

15. Poor Frosty.

Originally published in Blue River Review 2018